Faculty Award Dinner Erupts in Food Fight
14 injured as Provost moans “Can’t we all just get along?”
Faculty attending the annual Faculty Awards dinner were disconcerted to find the event hijacked by the Athletic Award Banquet which had started the previous evening. After enduring three karaoke renditions of “Eye of the Tiger,” two hours of sexist jokes, and a giggly, wet-towel-snapping fight, fed-up faculty—led by Debra Kamikaze Logan—rushed the podium in an attempt to seize the microphone.
Mayhem broke out as the coaches and President Ransdell fought off the attack with slingshots improvised from Speedos and bikini tops provided by members of the swim team. Faculty retaliated by bombarding the coaches with rubber chicken and over-cooked vegetables.
In the midst of the chaos, a clearly-dismayed Provost was seen scurrying about the room pleading with the combatants to cease fighting and give each other the kiss of peace. Football Student-Athlete of the Year, 110-lb senior offensive guard Tarrence Beagles, clad only in a bright red “banana hammock,” then dropped upon his head from the ceiling, flattening the diminutive Scotsman.