Provost Emslie Presents Faculty with Challenge
At the latest episode of the “‘We’ll Talk, You Listen’ Tour,” Provost Gordon Emslie laid out a compelling challenge for the faculty, while Covost Gordon Baylis nodded emphatically at his side.
“After years of useless, misguided teaching, it is high time the faculty work on some real research problems. We’re done with the whining about teaching loads, research expectations, and the five-finger work-distribution shenanigans,” he explained. “Now it’s time for work. My work.”
He then went on to outline several problems that he hoped faculty in different departments could tackle. “For the PE department, I’d like them to begin work on explaining why accretion discs in the nuclei of some galaxies emit relativistic jets along polar axes. That one’s stumped me for some time. The folks in Dental Hygiene might try to explain, using a Hertzsprung-Russell diagram and the data obtained by the Hipparcos satellite, why there are different values for the distance to the Pleiades Cluster. Finally, I plan to assign two ‘Super GAs’ to the Department, or School, or University, or whatever the hell it is, of Broadcast News, to help them finally solve the origin of the M-Sigma relation between supermassive black holes and galaxy velocity dispersion.”
“The Department of Astrophysics, on the other hand, will be set to work diagramming sentences in Marcel Proust’s A la recherche du temps perdu,” continued the Provost.
As faculty in the audience looked on in bewildered consternation, Emslie laid out a plan to distribute unit productivity awards based on the quickest solutions to these “crucial research problems.”
“Hey! That sound like he’s trying to get us to help him finish a research project,” complained Elizabeth Cooksey. “First grad students, now us—does that guy ever do his own work? Now leave me alone, I’m trying to figure out whether ‘c’ is supposed to be an arbitrary constant given ∫ [(cos x) / √(4 - sin x) ]dx = -2√(4 - sin x) + c . Do you have the phone number for the Philosophy Department?”