screw you

May, 2011
Volume III, Issue 6

Back Issues



Academic Senate Briefly Entertaining

The recent meeting of the Academic Senate turned mildly interesting for a few minutes, during a debate over a curriculum proposal put forth by Honors College to require Honors students to take a seminar course entitled “Hermeneutical Self-Actualization,” which meets five days a week for seven hours a day. In response to outstanding questions, “Stone Cold” Craig Cobane and Clay “Wonderboy” Motley of the Honors College presented their case for the proposal. “These are smart kids,” argued Cobane. “They can figure out how to fit their other coursework in the remaining time in the semester, perhaps by inventing some sort of time-shifting machine, or maybe a magic gizmo like that thing in Harry Potter.”

   Math and Computer Science Department Head Peter “The Meatgrinder” Hamburger offered testimony that most Ogden College students are strongly discouraged from leaving the laboratory at any time following their first full week at The Western™, making it difficult for them to participate in the Honors Program. Additionally, he noted, there is little point in making Ogden students learn about irrelevant concepts like “citizenship, society, or the existence of other people,” as these are absolutely useless to scientists who spend all of their time in the laboratory.

    As a rebuttal, Motley then shouted “You want a piece of Honors, Hamburger?! You can’t handle the pain I’ll bring down on you!” This was accompanied by a chest bump from Cobane for emphasis. Hamburger shot back with “Anytime, liberal arts punks! Steel cage match! I’ll grind you to dust!” He then seized a metal folding chair and charged the Honors delegation.

    At that moment, Parliamentarian Joan Krenzin ruled the discussion out of order and tased both sides, thus ending the tension. The Senate then voted to defer an actual solution until “Sometime, Uh, Later.” Senators then returned to their usual murmuring, giggling, and napping. The 176 students currently enrolled in the proposed course thanked all involved for their help in failing to reach a solution.














Smoke up
Emperor Gary I Upon His Throne

In This Issue:

All Hail! . . . More >

Food Fight! . . . More >

The Emslie Challenge . . . More >

Also in This Issue . . . More >

Academic Senate . . . More >

Library Study . . . More >

Faculty Forum Reports . . . More >

Bonus Feature—Osama Killed! . . . More >


Smoke up
Venn Diagram Explaining Covosts' Vision, As Reconstructed from Attendee Reportsr


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