screw you

May, 2011
Volume III, Issue 6

Back Issues



Library Study Endangers Student Body

As finals week approached, students detected a strange and powerful odor reminiscent of burning hair wafting from Helm Library.  A Facilities Management toxic waste emergency team dispatched in response found that the unusual smell originated from a group of four youths studying for exams.  “Look, students here don’t normally study. Their brains aren’t used to the exertion, so when they start using them it kind of funks up the works, if you know what I mean,” explained biohazard response chief Elmer Washington.  “It’s sort of like when you turn on the furnace for the first time in the winter – all the cobwebs and dead bugs that have built up burn off and stink up the place.”

   The biohazard warning followed another incident in which the Fire Department was called to save a student trapped high in the library.  “The poor kid had never set foot in that building, wandered around lost for hours, and panicked, sorta like a rat lost in an unfamiliar maze,” explained Fire Chief Ross Mitchell.  “We finally lured him out with a Papa John’s pizza on a string.” 

   To avoid endangering themselves with brainwork, Bookstore manager Shawna Cawthorne advised students to engage in activities with which they are familiar, rather than unfamiliar.  Such activities include, according to Cawthorne, watching television, masturbating, updating their Facebook status, and attending to their ailing grandparents.













Smoke up
Emperor Gary I Upon His Throne

In This Issue:

All Hail! . . . More >

Food Fight! . . . More >

The Emslie Challenge . . . More >

Also in This Issue . . . More >

Academic Senate . . . More >

Library Study . . . More >

Faculty Forum Reports . . . More >

Bonus Feature—Osama Killed! . . . More >


Smoke up
Venn Diagram Explaining Covosts' Vision, As Reconstructed from Attendee Reportsr


The Big Red Tool will miss you this summer. Not much, though. You're very high maintenance.
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