The Tool Reports from the Second Faculty Forum
The Tool sent its new teaching Graduate Assistants to cover the Second Faculty Forum. Their reports paint starkly different images of what actually happened. We offer them both to readers for their consideration.
Story 1: G2 Forum 1.2 Explains Everything Clearly
Faculty who attended the Second Covost Forum reported that the presentation of Covosts Emslie and Baylis met perfectly their high expectations, according to those interviewed by Tool staff.
“The Covosts talked a lot and they answered every question to the perfect satisfaction of everyone in the room,” explained psychologist Sharon Mutter. “It looks like everything is set, ready to go, and we all agree on the ‘The Future of The Western™’ and how that future will be realized. It was clear that they had thought carefully about all aspects of the Western™’s educational mission.”
“I felt that their wardrobes were tastefully chosen and tactful. Perfect for the occasion, in other words,” praised biologist Emily Brockton. “You have to admit, those guys are sharp dressers.”
Attendees also commented on the buoyant, optimistic tone that permeated the room. “They talked, the words flowed like nectar from their lips, and we drank deeply of the ambrosia of their compelling vision,” effused Mark Yeager, Kinesiologist. “I especially liked the part when the Covosts promised that NEH/NEA grant winners would receive two years off at full pay, a Maserati, a ‘The Western™ Rules!’ hat made of solid gold, and foot massages on demand from Ken McDonald (when he’s finished in the parking garage).”
Story 2: G2 Forum Reinforces Grim Vision of Future
Faculty shuffled dejectedly into MMTH on Friday afternoon to hear the Covosts’ new strategic plan, “Reorganizing Mediocrity.” The plan involves reworking The Western™’s structure in order to expand the top-heavy administration and mask the institution’s lackluster teaching and research portfolio with an ever-more-complicated authority organigram.
Using multimedia projections, a 45-piece orchestra, smoke machines, and lasers, Emslie and Baylis proposed a two-category scheme for all The Western™ employees: “Public” and “Safely Hidden.” The first category will be comprised of individuals who receive prestigious grants, head initiatives of various kinds, donate money to the Hilltopper Athletic foundation, work in Wetherby, or otherwise demonstrate outstanding service to the University. The second category will be everyone else; they will be instructed to remain behind closed doors and refrain from speaking with the press.
Attendees reported afterward that they had difficulty remembering what exactly the Covosts had said. “I was sort of busy playing with my iPhone,” recalled one anonymous faculty member, “but I think they said something about teaching students. Can’t say if they were for it or against it, though.”
“It was especially depressing when Covost Baylis explained that academic operations can ‘keep what it kills,’ except that, metaphorically speaking, we are really lousy hunters and will probably starve to death. Thanks a lot,” explained professor of Heuristic Epistemology Jack Blunt.