screw you

May, 2011
Volume III, Issue 6

Back Issues



New Details Emerge Regarding Osama bin Laden Killing

Over the past week, a number of startling new details have emerged about the killing of Osama bin Laden by SEAL Team 6. Aside from the expected grisly photos, to which the editors of the Big Red Tool were granted access, one detail not previously available to the general public emerged late Sunday evening.

Along on the raid to kill bin Laden was none other than The Western™ president Gary Ransdell. To find out more, the Tool sent its crack investigative team to President Ransdell’s office for an exclusive interview.

Big Red Tool: First of all, President Ransdell, we’d like to offer the thanks of a grateful nation for your service.

President Ransdell:  It was nothing really. I’m just trying to do my small part for the War on Terror. Plus, several of those SEAL Team guys might eventually become donors.

BRT: Let's talk about that. It will probably come as a surprise to many of our readers that you are involved with the legendary SEAL Team 6. How did this come about?

GAR: Well, my association with that group goes back a long way. I’d been involved in training them in psychological warfare techniques for many years. Blaring really bad music, for example. And from time to time I’d fly out to San Diego to work out with some of my old SEAL buddies from back in Vietnam.

BRT: How, then, did you happen to be on the mission to kill one of the world’s most wanted terrorists.

GAR: Interestingly enough, it began as a study abroad trip with the crowd over in Honors. Craig Cobane has a history doing “wetwork” in Northern Ireland with the British SAS--stuff that can’t really be discussed publicly. After a few glasses of Bowmore 25, we thought it might be fun to take some students over to Pakistan to give them a really unique Study Abroad experience. At the same time, we thought that they could also get a little “service learning,” if you catch my drift.

BRT: Do go on.

GAR: Well, it just sort of spiraled from there. I called a few friends to see if anything interesting was happening, and they mentioned the upcoming raid on the bin Laden compound . . .

BRT: Wait. You knew ahead of time?

GAR: Sure. I still keep my old security clearances. Anyway, I asked if we could tag along. They said yes, and the rest is history.

BRT: What was the raid like?

GAR: Hairy. When that first chopper went down, the elite WKU Honors Study Abroad Assasination unit was called in as backup. We placed the charges on the wall, blew an entry, and fought our way in. Two students caught some shrapnel, but it was nothing too serious.

BRT: Wow. What was the end like?

GAR: Well, I was first into the room where bin Laden was hiding. I leapt over two or three of his wives and grabbed him. I wrapped my nine and a half fingers around his neck and slowly squeezed the life out of him. As the light faded from his eyes, I screamed “The Spirit Makes the Master, fucker!” After pausing to get a few photos for Arete, we got back to the choppers and made our way back to the base in Afghanistan. By noon the next day we were getting a great tour of the Louvre, eating baguettes, and sipping 2003 Château Haut-Batailley, as if nothing had ever happened.

BRT: It sounds amazing.

GAR: Well, it’s about the students, really. They’ve got an experience that they can treasure for a lifetime. Not that they can talk about it. If they do, I’ll have to kill them.

BRT: Sure. Well, thanks for talking to us about this historic Study Abroad opportunity.


Smoke up










Smoke up
Emperor Gary I Upon His Throne

In This Issue:

All Hail! . . . More >

Food Fight! . . . More >

The Emslie Challenge . . . More >

Also in This Issue . . . More >

Academic Senate . . . More >

Library Study . . . More >

Faculty Forum Reports . . . More >

Bonus Feature—Osama Killed! . . . More >


Smoke up
Venn Diagram Explaining Covosts' Vision, As Reconstructed from Attendee Reportsr


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