screw you

Nov, 2010
Volume III, Issue 3

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The Western™ Breaks Into Top 790 Schools in America

A recent survey by Net Industries ranking The Western™ 787th nationally in education has helped cement President Ransdell’s legacy as one of nine presidents of The Western™. The ranking system takes into account ACT and SAT scores, student retention, faculty salaries, and student-to-faculty-ratio.

While President Ransdell wondered if high faculty salaries dragged The Western™’s ranking down, students and faculty expressed disbelief that The Western™ scored so low. “How can this be,” asked a stunned SGA president Colton Jesse,  “We have FBS (Division I) football, and $6 million in annual student fees to support it. That’s our ticket to glory. President Ransdell said so. And he’s never wrong.”

Some The Western™ officials gloated. “The Empire Hair Design Schools of Kentucky didn’t even make this year’s rankings!,” retorted an elegantly coiffed Robbin Taylor, Public  Relations Officer.

In response to the good news, the Board of Regents has voted to raise the student athletic fee to $787 dollars per semester. Students applauded the move as something that would set The Western™ on the path toward becoming a top-750 national university with international reach.

“Diverting more money from academics to athletics is justified, obviously, since the football team’s ranking is so much higher than that of academics. Success breeds success,” grinned booster Wick LaGrande as he left the Boardroom.

“While I believe that this completely validates the first half of my tenure here at The Western, academically, my plan is that we rise to the mid-700s by the end of my time as President of what is now the 10th-greatest university in the Commonwealth of Kentucky,” he commented.

Ransdell laid out his vision for The Western’s™ renewed strategic plan.  “We choose to become the 9th-best school in the 49th-best state in this decade and do the other things, not because they are easy, but because they are hard,” explained President Ransdell to a stunned crowd.











In This Issue:

The Western™ Ranks . . . More >

Students Tax Parents . . . More >

The Tool Celebrates Football . . . More >

Books Illegal on Campus . . . More >

The "Quantum Gordon" Theory. . . More >

BoR Will Not Rename University. . . More >

The Tool Clarifies Position . . . More >

In This Issue . . . More >



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