The Western™ "Football Player" Catches Big Red Tool Celebrating Western™ Victories
An intrepid reporter for the College Heights Herald, disguised as a bowl of bean dip, captured an audio recording of the Big Red Tool staff cheering during the recent, decisive 54-21 victory of the WKU football team over Louisiana-Lafayette.
In the recording, Tool writers were distinctly heard to say “Now I regret writing all those terrible and hurtful things about Willie Taggart,” “I’m so proud of our boys,” and “Did you ever notice what a nice ass Big Red has under that rug?”
Based on this revelation, the Tool was accused of having school spirit, and was ejected from the National League of Unfunny Satirical Campus Rags (NLUSCR). The Tool’s staff remained defiant, saying “We have seen the light, and will defend our extraordinarily expensive football program to the ends of the earth. We look forward to attending the bowl game President Ransdell told the campus we would play in within five years of moving to the BCS.”
The subsequent 17-16 loss to FAU was hailed by the Big Red Tool as “a speed-bump on the road to a BCS bowl bid,” and pointed to the 36-35 win over Arkansas State as evidence that the WKU team is capable of crushing any other team in their division, given enough money and years in which to try.
In honor of the wins, the staff of the Big Red Took plans to introduce motions in the University Senate, the SGA, the Council of Academic Deans, and the Board of Regents to re-name both the football field and the new College of Education building after Coach Taggart. That is, if they can ever figure out what those people do. The staff will also propose that President Ransdell’s name be relocated to one of the vending machine areas.
After the game, Coach Taggart said that these two wins “completely vindicate the 37 million dollars spent on this program since our victories in the 2008 season. Stick around—2012 is gonna be a great year for The Western™ football.”