Physics Department Seeks Grant to Confirm "Quantum Gordon Theory"
In response to Vice President for Research Gordon Baylis’ call for increased grant applications, Dr. Subrahsekhar Chandramanyan of the Physics Department has begun experimental research into theory of the quantum entanglement of Baylis and Provost Gordon Emslie.
“It is my belief that they are not actual separate individuals, but rather a single person moving incredibly fast. That person would be made up of high-energy, subatomic particles I call Higgs gordonons.”
Physicists speculate that the “backward” and “down” decay positron orientation of Higgs gordonons explains why the Baylis/Emslie singularity finish each others' sentences, have an unbending disinterest in anything other than research and grants, and blur slightly when viewed against a red background.
Moreover, the Weisenheimer Uncertainty Principle dictates that it is impossible for us to know both the policies of the Gordonses, and act upon them at the same time. “Look, it's quite simple. Any communication sent to the Provost exists within a vacuum expectation value that breaks electroweak symmetry, which is why he doesn't answer e-mail,” shrugged one of the Deans With Two First Names. “I mean, you might as well try to determine the use of mean electron flux spectra in solar flares. Sheesh. How stupid is that?”
Efforts to identify the Higgs gordonon, also known as “The Provost Particle,” have largely failed because nobody has ever directly observed the particle. Confirmation may therefore require the construction of a “Large Provostian Supercollider” (LPS) that would rival the Swiss Large Hadron Collider. President Randell has proposed a new “Provostian Supercollider Fee” (PSF) be levied on students, which will fund an agency bond for football stadium expansion.
In a new conference paper outlining how string theory can improve the ranking of the football squad, a team of The Western™ physicists speculates that increasing the gordonon mass at football games using the Provostian Supercollider could create a “supermirror” effect that would invert reality. This effect would magically transform the football team into a bowl winner, The Western™ into the top-ranked school in the Commonwealth, and Gary Ransdell into the best university president in history.
“We're moving at relativistic speeds to reform this dump, which is why faculty and students at rest see me as a redhead with a red beard,” explained Emslie to reporters.
In related news, Emslie filed a formal complaint against Dr. Baylis, claiming that “That bastard locked my cat in a box, and now I'm not sure if it's alive or not. Or both. Or neither.”