Board of Regents Declines to Rename The Western™ “Topper Spirit University”
In an effort to cement The Western™’s brand image as one of the nation’s elite fourth-tier directional universities, the Board of Regents discussed renaming the school after Gary Ransdell’s dogs, or possibly after Ransdell himself.
After an hour-long, turgid debate, Jim Johnson concluded that “Dog names just don’t really capture Gary’s unique spirit, even though that’s his dog’s name. And ‘Western Ransdell University (WRU™),’ ‘Ransdell State,’ or ‘Gary’s Nollidgeum’ just didn’t seem to have the right ring to them. If anybody has any good suggestions, we’re all ears.”
As a temporary compromise, the BOR voted to name the new Education Building the “Gary A. Ransdell College of Education Awesomarium,” and suggested that every few years they could consider renaming existing buildings in his honor, as well.
“There’s nothing weird about naming a building after a sitting president,” said Vice-Chair Yevette Haskins. “Changing the outdated and boring name ‘DUC’ to ‘The Super Gary Experience Center’ is no stranger than, say, renaming Washington, D.C. after President Obama.”
In the grand tradition of naming ships after presidents, the BOR has also formally requested that the US Navy salvage from scrap and rechristen the Non Self-Propelled Pile Driver designated YPD 32 as the “USS Gary Ransdell.” Commented Regent Freddie Higdon, “It seems befitting.”
The Big Red Tool managed to obtain a copy of the Board of Regents’ notes following the meeting. They were filled mainly with doodles of a crudely drawn, shirtless, and heavily muscled Ransdell, surrounded by comments such as “He’s Dreamy” or “THE INCREDIBLE HUNK!” The reverse side had drawings of what appeared to be two dogs, surrounded by hearts and the words “OMG Rainbow Unicorn Princess Puppies!!!!” and “Any other student fees possible?”
An anonymous source in Wetherby noted that the Board of Regents’ locker in the building was filled with clippings from Ransdell’s recent Teen Beat spread.
During the debate, Faculty Regent Patty Minter burst into a mouth-foaming tirade of profanities. She was heard to yell “It’s about to get nucular!” just before she had to be tased and ejected.
It is not yet clear if any actual business was transacted at this meeting.