"We Can Learn From Paterno and Cain," Declare Leaders
Following a tumultuous two weeks in which scandal felled one American sports hero and threatened to derail the GOP frontrunner's campaign, campus leaders declared that The Westerntm will not fall victim to such embarrassing legal pitfalls.
In an interview at their Tidballs work retreat, three Board of Regents members who wished to remain nameless expressed their admiration for Herman Cain's approach of deflecting blame by attacking the character of his accusers. "Cain's staff said that one chick was way too ugly for Herman to proposition for oral sex. That's gold! I told Debbie we oughta use that one against Amy Icky-whoever, the one that's suing the university for sexual harassment," confided one Member.
President Ransdell explained that Joe Paterno's firing was a clear indication that Penn State's football program was "insufficiently insular" and that its oversight procedures and standards were "far too transparent."
"The Western™ will not be the next PSU. They're a bunch of amateurs," asserted President Ransdell from his bunker in an undisclosed location. "We've already scuttled that 'doohickie' and the other 'situation' is not really a danger. I mean, nobody knows anything about that parking garage thingie or that you-know-what with the faculty member and the donkey, right Debbie?" asked Ransdell to Deborah Wilkins.
In order to avoid any unseemly personnel issues, all "important people" -- basketball and football coaches, poobahs, deans, development officers, and vice presidents -- have had the "morality clauses" removed from their contracts, effectively making it impossible for them to be fired for cause. "Got the idea from Wood Selig -- that sly ol' fox!," chuckled Barrister Wilkins.
Ransdell then excused himself but was overheard talking to himself in the men's room. "They could never fire me! They named a freakin' building after me! I am president for life! The Western™, it is me! Mwaaaaaaa hhhaaahhhaaahaaa! Mwaa aaaaa hhaaahhhaaahaaa!," screamed Ransdell into a mirror.