screw you

November, 2011
Volume IV, Issue 2

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Occupy The Western™ Gains Steam

Recently, students at The Western™ launched "Occupy The Western™", a local version of the global protests against corporate greed and inequality. The protesters massed in front of the recently-opened Gary Ransdell Hall, and vowed to continue holding signs, fist-bumping, mouth-yelling, drinking Michelob Ultra, sleeping in tents, having sex, banging on drums, playing volleyball, and barfing on the lawn until their voice is heard. The Tool polled Bowling Green participants to gauge their investment in the cause and uncover their demands.

A group of Phi Delta fraternity members, torsos painted red, declared that they would stand strong with the movement until the establishment of a "truly class-free university degree awarding system, or until the keg is 99% tapped out." A nearby cluster of Honors College students confessed they were only there because they heard they could replace HON 251 by participating in the protest.

A Gatton Academy student hoisted a sign that read "I am 99% Sure I Won't Attend The Western™" and admitted, "After watching those Phi Delts crap on the lawn in front of my dorm, the chance of me applying to this stinking school for college is about 1%."

The Bowling Green chapter of NORML was out in force sitting near Scott Stroot, holding a giant banner that said simply "HEEEEY, LIKE, MAAAAN." When asked about their participation, their spokesman paused for several minutes and said, "what was the question again?"

Student protesters are wary of being coopted by the local power structure. "Ransdell is such a camera hog. He came down here today and declared 'Occupy The Western™' to be a leading student movement with international reach," scoffed unshowered Logan County junior Ox Michaels. "Then he passed out a bunch of cupola hats and said that we should wave to the tour bus going by."

Navitas students, attempting to fit into American protest culture, joined in by ululating, blowing vuvuzelas, playing cricket, smoking unfiltered black-tobacco rolled cigarettes, wearing berets, kilts, black socks with sandals, and turbans, and spit-roasting a goat.














Smoke up
An Occupy protester shakes his mummified bat to signal "strong approval" of something or other

In This Issue:

We Can Learn . . . More >

Occupy The Western . . . More >

Sexual Harassment . . . More >

Wilkins to Refocus . . . More >

What DWI? . . . More >

Regent Debate . . . More >

Retention Initiative . . . More >


For Sale:  Musty, used museum on local campus to highest bid.  Naming rights incl. (not too vulgar, please).  Incl. bonus room filled with junk gifted to small-town college president (no, not Confucius Institute). Must buy librarians and curators with building.


If you believe that, we've got an Ecolodge in Costa Rica we'd like to sell you.
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