New Sexual Harassment, Gender Discrimination Policies Discovered
Last month, news broke of a lawsuit filed against The Western™ by a disgruntled former employee, Amy Eckhardt. Eckhardt alleges sexual harassment and gender discrimination. Lawyer Deborah "Eagle" Wilkins, issued a secret memo to all administrators that lays out a number of "best practice" policies meant to avoid future law suits. The Tool has obtained a copy of the memo. New policies will include:
- Touching of female employees is not allowed, unless a female employee is "asking for it."
- Bawdy lingo in the workplace is legally dangerous. Office of the General Counsel suggests that employees use the formal Latin terms when joking about oral sex and boobs.
- Hugs from Honors College Director are no longer "swipable events," shall not be eligible for inclusion on student SEAT transcripts.
- The terms "bronco," "tube top," "strapping," "engorged," and "apple-bottomed" shall be removed from staff promotion criteria.
- President Ransdell will henceforth refrain from embracing comely coeds at graduation.
- E-Harmony™ dates no longer considered scholarly presentations for purposes of tenure and promotion, will continue to count toward public service and "engagement" requirements.
Until the lawsuit is resolved, Dr. Craig Cobane, Honors College Director, has been fitted with a special electrical harness, known as the Abstain-O-Tron 2K, gently used by Luther Hughes.
Wilkins issued a clarification indicating that the sexual harassment policy will not apply to acts committed in Wetherby, the SAE Fraternity House, or The Western™ Farm.