screw you

November, 2011
Volume IV, Issue 2

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University Officials After LSU Loss: What DWI?

At the press conference following the sobering loss to LSU, The Western™ athletics officials assured the public that all coaches were mostly unintoxicated by the end of the game. Head Coach Willie Taggart responded with confusion to pointed questions regarding a defensive coach's DWI arrest early Saturday morning, clearly astonished that the press would ask about something that did not happen on the field. Once he gathered his wits, Taggart mumbled incoherently for a few minutes as required by long-standing Southern tradition.

Franklin sophomore Joe Baxter speculated that the coaches' sobriety may account for the terrible second half. "Look, I get that the players need to sober up prior to the game, to avoid injury and stuff, but drinking is a fundamental part of the university experience. I mean, if classes included several hours of 'tailgating' beforehand and hours of drunken revelry and corn-holing, students might think they were as important as football games."

One football-player-turned-coach suggested that many coaching rituals were developed to assist coaches who may still be buzzed from the night before. "Why do you think they need so much Gatorade and so often drop to one knee? And the whole throwing the cooler of icy beverage over the coach's head? Puh-lease."

Athletic Director Roß Björk, having consulted with the Department of Overreaction, reconsidered the initial no-comment strategy. He and Coach Taggert released statements Sunday assuring the WKU community that severe, non-alcoholic punishment would be administered "internally."

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Smoke up
An Occupy protester shakes his mummified bat to signal "strong approval" of something or other

In This Issue:

We Can Learn . . . More >

Occupy The Western . . . More >

Sexual Harassment . . . More >

Wilkins to Refocus . . . More >

What DWI? . . . More >

Regent Debate . . . More >

Retention Initiative . . . More >

 

For Sale:  Musty, used museum on local campus to highest bid.  Naming rights incl. (not too vulgar, please).  Incl. bonus room filled with junk gifted to small-town college president (no, not Confucius Institute). Must buy librarians and curators with building.

 

If you believe that, we've got an Ecolodge in Costa Rica we'd like to sell you.
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