screw you

November, 2011
Volume IV, Issue 2

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Faculty Regent Debate, Election Lead to Big Changes

The nearly half-dozen attendees at the recent debate among the faculty regent candidates were shocked and awakened when the verbal sparring turned to physical combat. The melée began in response to an audience question about part-time faculty benefits. The four candidates leapt to their feet and began throwing kidney punches, crotch kicks, and eye gouges with abandon. It was soon apparent that all four were masters of martial arts and were merely feinting to test the mettle of their opponents.

The fight lasted nearly an hour, as Scott Lasley pitted his Drunken Mermaid style against the Screeching Fist technique of Pam Petty, the Thundering Mantis style of Patti Minter, and Saundra Starks' Shaolin Eviscerator discipline. At long last the four stopped and declared each other worthy opponents, and pledged to remain comrades-in-arms no matter which one might win the election.

A few days later, after Minter's reelection, Starks, Petty, and Lasley declared themselves the Three Flying Demons and swore to serve Minter in her unceasing fight to defend faculty rights. The group next challenged and thrashed all of the appointed regents on the board in turn, working their way up to chairman and imperial chamberlain Freddie Higdon. Although Higdon's Mystic Sword style was formidable, he and his band of hired assassins proved no match for the team of four. Their opponents defeated, the faculty members extracted a signed promise from President Ransdell for a substantial allotment for merit pay next year, in addition to a decade-long moratorium on new cupola construction. The heroes then retired to their Fortress of Cerebration to toast their victory with steaming mugs of frothy kumis, or fermented Mongolian mare's milk. Tulgatsgaaya!!

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Smoke up
An Occupy protester shakes his mummified bat to signal "strong approval" of something or other

In This Issue:

We Can Learn . . . More >

Occupy The Western . . . More >

Sexual Harassment . . . More >

Wilkins to Refocus . . . More >

What DWI? . . . More >

Regent Debate . . . More >

Retention Initiative . . . More >

 

For Sale:  Musty, used museum on local campus to highest bid.  Naming rights incl. (not too vulgar, please).  Incl. bonus room filled with junk gifted to small-town college president (no, not Confucius Institute). Must buy librarians and curators with building.

 

If you believe that, we've got an Ecolodge in Costa Rica we'd like to sell you.
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