screw you

November, 2011
Volume IV, Issue 2

Back Issues
Current Issue (PDF)



Retention Initiative Allows Students to CLEP Out of College

In an effort to raise student retention rates, Provost Angus G. Emslie has unveiled Policy 2.7182818284, which limits students to a maximum of 120 hours of CLEP exams per undergraduate bachelor's degree. Mediocre scores on CLEP exams, the standardized college-level knowledge assessment tests, will now let students place out of most or all of their college coursework.

In his announcement speech, Emslie boasted of CLEPping out of no less than 27 "worthless general education classes" and then declared with a chuckle, "Mony a mickle maks a muckle!"

"What the enthusiastic Scotsman means to say is that the best way to retain students is to make sure they never actually set foot on our campus," explained retention czar Kevin Thomas. "University faculty, by teaching students things, actually lower their chances of graduation, according to statistical models. I mean, think about it. When the students arrive, 100 percent of them might graduate. But only 49 percent do in 4 years. Who's to blame?"

Proclaimed former Provost Barbara Burch from her FaCET aerie, "At long last, my grand vision is coming to fruition. Think of it! A university where students are so engaged in their futures that we no longer need any faculty!" She continued for three hours in a similar vein.

The first student to gain the full 120 hours of credit, Ian Dinwiddie of Butler County, was enthusiastic about his new degree in Interdisciplinary Studies. "I heard the campus was real nice. Maybe someday I'll go visit in person. I sure hope this piece of paper is more useful than my University of Phoenix degree, though."














Smoke up
An Occupy protester shakes his mummified bat to signal "strong approval" of something or other

In This Issue:

We Can Learn . . . More >

Occupy The Western . . . More >

Sexual Harassment . . . More >

Wilkins to Refocus . . . More >

What DWI? . . . More >

Regent Debate . . . More >

Retention Initiative . . . More >


For Sale:  Musty, used museum on local campus to highest bid.  Naming rights incl. (not too vulgar, please).  Incl. bonus room filled with junk gifted to small-town college president (no, not Confucius Institute). Must buy librarians and curators with building.


If you believe that, we've got an Ecolodge in Costa Rica we'd like to sell you.
Contact us at

Copyright © 2008-2010 The Big Red Tool
If you wish to cancel your subscription to this newsletter, please click here.