screw you

October, 2009
Volume II, Issue 2

Back Issues



Faculty, Staff Pool Resources to
Redress Salary Inequities

To counterbalance years of faculty and staff salary bloat, the university community has come together to redress what’s being called the “Administrator Compensation Crisis.” At the insistence of the BSA representatives on Staff Council, the university has created a new Foundation account that will allow faculty and staff to donate money to cover raises for under-compensated administrators.

“We just felt it was the right thing to do,” commented Dirk Lightner, head of the Department of Chrimatology. “Some of those folks are only pulling down 100, 200 thousand a year. They need our help.” “We’ve got to ease their burden,” commented a staff member who chose to remain anonymous for fear that she’d be fired for something trivial. “Leadership is such a lonely position. Our administrators should at least make a living wage.”

In a call to Tool staff, President Ransdell argued that “upper-level administrators, such as Dean Kahler, Athletic Director Wood Selig, Dean Bonaguro, and Dr. Burch have in recent years suffered a great deal of hardship. $20,000 Olde Stone golf memberships don’t buy themselves!”

“Besides, faculty and staff seem to be rolling in dough. Most staff I know work two jobs and thus bring in twice as many incomes as our single-job administrators,” pointed out President Ransdell. “Not to mention that all those staff – hundreds of them! – got bonuses of at least $500 last year. We have to fix these imbalances. Justice demands it.”

Chief of Staff Deborah Wilkins explained the raise system, likening it to a Wall Street firm or a bank, but in reverse. “What banks do is to funnel money to the top. The Western™ has been doing exactly the opposite—sending it to the bottom. It’s time to reverse the trend, follow the Wall Street business model, and start sending the money up the ladder, where it belongs.”

“I’m glad to see our workers giving something back for once, because The Western™ is in a budget crisis, in part due to faculty and staff selfishness,” Wilkins concluded. “Otherwise, we wouldn’t be able to compensate fairly our most talented, critical assets – our administrators.”

Under the new system, money from the Foundation’s “Administrator Compensation Crisis Account” will fund annual five-figure salary increases for any non-teaching administrator who engages in his or her duties with measurable competence, based on user-defined criteria set forth in quadrennial self-evaluations.




Print this page, bring it to Greener Groundz, mention Gabibbo, and get an extra 5% off the 10% that you already get for being a The Western™ athletic supporter. [As in 15%, total, dummy]

Coupon, stupid!











Smoke up
An “internal audit” reveals the funding source for Dean Kahler and Wood Selig’s raises.

In This Issue:

President Ransdell Works to Turn Crisis Into Opportunity . . . More >

College of Business Proposes New Gen Ed Language Requirement . . . More>

Neverending Losses for The Western™ Football Bring Rewards . . . More>

The Ten Commandments of The Western™ . . . More>

Around Campus . . . More>

The Outside World . . . More>

Horoscope, Dear Gabibbo . . . More>

Correction . . . More>

Smoke up
While shopping for Mickey Mouse ashtrays at Flealand artist Matt Tullis unearthed an early study of Grant Wood’s iconic “American Gothic.” Scholars of American art were astonished to discover that a youthful Barbara Burch and Jedediah Bodine Smiley, III, grandfather of the current SGA President, were the models for the classic painting.


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