screw you

October, 2009
Volume II, Issue 2



Neverending Losses For The Western™ Football Brings Rewards

After four hundred days without a victory on the football field, The Western™ has experienced an enormous bump in applications—what some observers refer to as the “Flutie Effect.”

“Applications for admission have skyrocketed by three dozen, and we have our football program to thank,” crowed President Gary Ransdell. “This is what we’ve been working towards for the past five years. It’s the realization of our greatest hopes and dreams.”

One of the many benefits of such a program is national prestige that it brings to The Western™, explained Ransdell. “We’ve been at the top of ESPN’s ‘Bottom 10’ for four weeks running. No matter how many millions we pour into the football program, you just can’t buy that kind of publicity. Not that we won’t keep pouring millions into it . . .”

The football budget of about $4.3 million for a year equates to about $286,000 per loss over the past fifteen losses.

When informed of this, still-coach Elson noted that each loss is a better bargain for The Western™. “When it was only thirteen losses, it was $332,000 per loss. Now each loss is cheaper. We’re producing large economies of scale, using student tuition dollars.”

Vice President of Nothing To Do With Academics Wood Selig paused exclaimed “We’re on our way!”





Smoke up
An “internal audit” reveals the funding source for Dean Kahler and Wood Selig’s raises.

In This Issue:

President Ransdell Works to Turn Crisis Into Opportunity . . . More >

College of Business Proposes New Gen Ed Language Requirement . . . More>

Neverending Losses for The Western™ Football Bring Rewards . . . More>

The Ten Commandments of The Western™ . . . More>

Around Campus . . . More>

The Outside World . . . More>

Horoscope, Dear Gabibbo . . . More>

Correction . . . More>

Smoke up
While shopping for Mickey Mouse ashtrays at Flealand artist Matt Tullis unearthed an early study of Grant Wood’s iconic “American Gothic.” Scholars of American art were astonished to discover that a youthful Barbara Burch and Jedediah Bodine Smiley, III, grandfather of the current SGA President, were the models for the classic painting.


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