Provost Emslie Diagnosed With Researchitis
The latest stop on the Emslie-Baylis "Insult the Faculty Tour" turned tragic on Thursday. After meeting with an unnamed department in Potter College, Provost Angus G. Emslie collapsed as he knelt before the statue of Henry Hardin Cherry. The Provost, shivering and drenched in sweat, rocked back and forth in a fetal position before onlookers.
According to eyewitnesses, he was muttering a stream of barely intelligible phrases, including "MIT of the south . . . Humanities are the enemy . . . Grant grant grant grant grant . . . must be quantifiable . . . centrifuge good, chalkboard bad . . . earn your keep . . . the past is past . . ."
"Poor Angus overexerted himself," moaned Doug McElroy, mopping the Provost's brow with a warm washcloth and warning faculty "stand back, or else I'll sock you." He continued, "When you spend week after endless week cutting self-important, underproducing faculty down to size, it takes a toll, you know?"
Medics rushed Emslie to a nearby mental hospital, where specialists diagnosed him with an acute attack of Researchitis, marked by an obsessive focus on scholarly inquiry to the exclusion of all other aspects of university functions. He appeared to respond to shock treatments, briefly regaining his composure and asking for a plate of haggis and the latest grant awards figures, before relapsing into an extended lecture on the nobility of the hard sciences and CLEPping out of Gen Ed.
As of press time, nationally renowned psychologist Dr. Edward S. Rinker of Stanford University had taken over Emslie's treatment, and had prescribed fifteen weeks of lower-division philosophy courses "to re-establish equilibrium." During this time, Emslie will be prevented from handling a mass spectrometer or viewing the night sky.