The Western™ To Retire Sports Metaphors
"Get Knocked Up on Knowledge!," Urges Ransdell
In recognition of The Western™’s football team’s incredible losing streak, the Administrative Council has decided to retire athletic metaphors from The Western™’s public relations lexicon. “Winners don’t use the language of losers,” explained Department of Communication(s) linguist Rebeccah Kost.
A memo crafted by Chief of Staff Deborah Wilkins and obtained by the Big Red Tool lays out the new, required stock metaphors, many of which derive from farming, drinking, and sex—areas in which The Western™ excels rather than sucks. Recent statements by the President are evidence that the new metaphorical policies are now part of standard operating procedure.
At a press conference, Dr. Ransdell explained to a confused crowd that he is at the “vernal equinox” of his presidency.
To reinforce the metaphor, he has changed his official title to “High Druid of The Western™ Circle.”
At a Hilltopper Foundation strategy session, the President urged his staff to “Flex your fundraising beer muscles, greenchop those donor dollars, and spill the seed of new buildings all over campus.”
At a student rally, the President exhorted freshmen to “Pound your books, get smashed on learning, get knocked up with knowledge!”
Athletic Director and Icelandic waif Röß Björk responded that “our team is still a metaphor-rich unit that can serve the needs of The Western™.”
His suggestions included:
President Ransdell declined to say if he would bring Björk’s metaphors into play.
- “It’s not over until the game starts.”
- When it comes to losing, we’re Vikings!
- “I want you to go out there and give it... oh, let’s say 22.7 percent!”
- “If a tie is like kissing your sister, losing is like kissing your grandmother with her teeth out.”
- “There’s always next year!”
- “We didn’t lose the game; we just ran out of time.”
- “Close only counts in horseshoes and hand grenades.”