screw you

Oct, 2010
Volume III, Issue 2

Back Issues



Confucius Institute Offers New Courses On Incense Burning & Praying To Abstract Unknowns

In an effort to promote a HARMONIOUS SOCIETY, the Beijing-sponsored Confucius Institute is developing a new curriculum in Popular Religioning, including a long-anticipated new offering, Incense 099.  Dr. Jeff “Sweet Buddha Ray” Samuels explained that the thrust of the new program is to highlight the world’s diversity of religious practices, especially the long human history of praying to abstract unknowns. “The Greeks had Zeus, Muslims got Allah, and Americans have Santa,” Samuelson said. 

“It only makes sense that the Commie government of China would sponsor this curriculum at The Western™ since like 95% of our students still profess faith in Santa, father of Jesus, and His creation of the Cosmos, dinosaurs, Eve, and tacos 6010 years ago.  I’m still angry at Him, though—even though it goes against my intrinsically gentle Buddha-nature—for creating mosquitoes, the prostate, and for not bringing me an Xbox last Christmas.

To honor the new program, President Ransdell has purchased a 16-ft. statue of Confucius carved from local limestone.  Groundskeepers will paint the piece bright red, equip it with a Charlie Chan monocle and a “Big Red Towel,” and install it next to the Big Red Vagina sculpture on the Centennial Mall. Amy Eckhart, Director of the Chinese Flagship Institute, plans to lead a “Study Away” course to visit the new statue. Students will receive 57 credit hours for walking across campus, burning incense, and bowing deeply at the waist.













Receptacle Tip
Guthrie Tower To Be Sheathed
In Reservoir Tip

In This Issue:

Pro-Slavery Victory . . . More >

Losingest Football Program . . . More >

Provost Emslie Collapses . . . More >

The Western™ Changes Metaphors . . . More >

Confucius Institute Courses . . . More >

Where Are They Now? . . . More >

New Provost Enables Laziness . . . More >



The Big Red Tool is shocked, simply shocked, to hear that Wood Selig is telling his new school that moving to FBS football costs $4 million up front. Expenses are nearly impossible to recoup, and that The Western™ is a good example of the perils of jumping to the big time. What a tool. Your thoughts?
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