screw you

Oct, 2010
Volume III, Issue 2

Back Issues



New Provost to Enable Long-Dormant Faculty Laziness, Irrelevance

In a nod to long-standing concerns about overwork, Provost Angus G. Emslie announced a new plan to reduce faculty teaching loads and expand research opportunities. Faculty immediately responded to the Provost’s initiatives with praise. 

“For too long, faculty have found themselves hamstrung by burdensome teaching obligations and thus unable to engage in important professional activities like finishing the New York Times crossword puzzle, hitting on students, and bitching about workload,” explained Faculty Regent Patti Minter.  “Dr. Emslie’s plan will right this grievous wrong.” 

Other The Western™ faculty are looking forward with relish to expanding their research agendas.  “My groundbreaking research on zebrafish ear dynamics has bettered the human race in ways mere mortals cannot comprehend,” emoted aquabiologist Michael Smith. “Thanks to the Provost’s clairvoyance, I will now unveil the mysteries of catfish scat biology to the world.”

Recently funded grants include: 

  • Hairpiece fashions in Sandusky, Ohio, 1923-25
  • Trigg County Jug Virtuosos (Erika Brady)
  • The Unique Firefighting Properties of Ear Wax
  • Combustion Profiles of Chinese Slave Labor (ICSET)
Most students believe that The Western™ will maintain the quality of teaching they have come to expect, even though graduate assistants will replace many faculty in the classroom under Emslie’s plan.  “Bitter, frustrated, underpaid graduate assistants can bore the crap out of me and assign Cs just as easily as bitter, frustrated, underpaid faculty,” shrugged Logan County political science major Yvonne Klimt.













Receptacle Tip
Guthrie Tower To Be Sheathed
In Reservoir Tip

In This Issue:

Pro-Slavery Victory . . . More >

Losingest Football Program . . . More >

Provost Emslie Collapses . . . More >

The Western™ Changes Metaphors . . . More >

Confucius Institute Courses . . . More >

Where Are They Now? . . . More >

New Provost Enables Laziness . . . More >



The Big Red Tool is shocked, simply shocked, to hear that Wood Selig is telling his new school that moving to FBS football costs $4 million up front. Expenses are nearly impossible to recoup, and that The Western™ is a good example of the perils of jumping to the big time. What a tool. Your thoughts?
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