screw you

Sept, 2010
Volume III, Issue 1

Back Issues



Ransdell Presidency:  Second Half Hopes Bleak

After hearing President Ransdell describe this year as the “halftime” of his presidency, fans began streaming out of the stadium, hoping to beat the rush. 

Tool reporters polled departing The Western™ supporters to discover why they were leaving before the kickoff of the second half of the presidency.

“What’s the point of sticking around?,” posited one former Regent.  “All ‘Coach Gary’ could come up with in his pep talk was how The Western™’s gonna use the same old ‘fullback off tackle’ junk in the second half.  I mean, we’re already down by three touchdowns . . . ”

Color commentator Terry Bradshaw exclaimed “I'm just not seeing any change coming here that will help them turn the game around. What’s Ransdell bringing to the table in the third quarter?  A bond issue for a new softball field?  A top hat for Big Red?  Some bunny statues in front of the library? The guy just doesn't seem to have the ability to learn new tricks. Besides, this is the last school in the country that should be using football analogies to describe itself.”

“Look, we're ranked 120 out of 120 in the CBS pre-season poll,” whined Dean Bonaguro.  “What's the point?  At least we scored that home-and-away series with Old Dominion when Woodie bolted.”

As the third quarter of the President’s tenure began, staff custodians struggled to clean up the discarded piles of first-half detritus from the vacant stands. One despondent BSA was seen squeegeeing moldy “It’s Academics’ Turn” and “Minority Student Retention and Faculty Diversity Hiring” initiatives into a sluice drain on University Boulevard.

“If the current presidency were a circus,” mused 7th-year Pikeville senior Josh Braddock as he strolled home, “I guess I’d say that watching acid-tripping clowns juggle vomiting monkeys for sixty minutes is kind of amusing at first, but . . . Well, anyway, I think VH1’s doing a Surreal Life tribute to Gary Coleman this afternoon, so see ya.”




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Receptacle Tip
Guthrie Tower To Be Sheathed
In Reservoir Tip

In This Issue:

New Provost Plans . . . More >

The Western™ Launches Initiative . . . More >

The Gordon & Gordon Show . . . More >

Internal Memo . . . More >

Ransdell's Halftime . . . More >

Sarah Palin's Alaska . . . More >

Weather Channel Cliffhanger . . . More >

Also In This Issue . . . More >

Bonus Online-Only Feature . . . More >



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