screw you

September, 2011
Volume IV, Issue 1

Back Issues

 

 

The Western™'s Planking Team Loses Star Recruit

 The Office of the President today announced that The Western™’s Division I planking team will begin its season without its star midfielder, Tyler Webster, after accusations of felonious sticker-placing resulted in his arrest, detention, and torture in the Columbarium dungeons.

In early August, incoming freshman and roustabout Webster was pre-expelled from The Western™ after showing “serious disrespect” to the university by planking on the statue of Henry Hardin Cherry. Amid chuckles at the press conference announcing the related ban on most “-ing”-related activities on campus, Barrister Deborah Wilkins snapped “there’s absolutely nothing funny about this situation, so stop laughing. I’ll have you know Cherry was erected by his friends and students.”

“Planking,” the “sport” in which enthusiasts “lie” on “things,” has lately swept the nation, and the self-styled “Plankmaster General” Webster saw the Cherry statue as his personal Mount Vesuvius. However, Webster’s daring feat was detected by authorities after he defaced the statue with a highly corrosive sticker and posted pictures of his escapades online with his name and address.

The Student Discipline Board announced that other methods of defacing campus property remain acceptable, including defecation, urination, regurgitation, cornholing, sorority toilet-papering, pickup-truck lawn tailgating, and goat-humping.

The Athletic Department sided with Webster. “We need that kid back on the field,” argued Athletic Director Roß Björk. “That kid’s planking game has brought us more national recognition in four days than our Division I football team has in two years. And, his shenanigans vaulted The Western™ to third position in the weekly ESPN plankster power rankings.”

In an interview with Tool Editors, Webster explained his motivations. “You know, ever since I was a kid I had dreamed of going to The Western™ and lying face-down on something, and not just a chick. It didn’t matter what. Statues, sidewalks, benches, co-eds, whatever.” 

“Then I saw the incredible visage of the institution’s founder—Henry Hardin Cherry—and I knew that I was on the cusp of distilling all the hopes and dreams of my life into one pure, clear, cathartic event—planking Cherry’ statue. I knew then that I would be a complete soul.”

Enthusiasts of Extreme Standing, Speed Gargling, Hamcramming, Leghumping, ToeCheesing, Gurfling, Slagglewailing, Crabslapping, Noodling (staff league), and Picklewicking joined in a silent vigil in support of Webster and to express their concern at these developments.

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GAR Shows The Kids How It's Done

In This Issue:

Star Recruit Lost! . . . More >

Tyranny Thwarted!! . . . More >

Retention Rally Memo . . . More >

Journalism Scandal . . . More >

What's Allowed, What's Not . . . More >

Football Season . . . More >

News in Briefs . . . More >

 

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