President to Rescue Faculty, Staff from the TYRANNY of Democratic Governance
Fresh off the publicity success of pre-expelling Tyler Webster, the President has urged the Board of Regents to revise its bylaws governing the election and terms of service of Faculty (and staff) Regents. The Board’s heroic stratagem is designed to finally – finally – bring an end to the eleventy-five-year Reign of Terror of the regents elected by university employees.
The Regents intend to defend the faculty (and staff) from the specter of unchecked, out-of-control Regents clearly bent on taking over the entire American system of education by occasionally disagreeing with the President or attempting to promote faculty (or staff) interests.
These selfless advocates of accountable governance have proposed a strict set of term limits for faculty (and staff) Regents that will protect University employees from their own ignorance, fear, and incompetence. The new bylaws regarding eligibility for the faculty (or staff) regent positions disallow candidates who: have names that rhyme with “batty squinter”; have short black hair with tasteful bangs; employ evidence to support conclusions; occasionally take a contrarian position; fail to genuflect before the President or anyone else in the room who earns more than twice the candidates’ income.
President Ransdell announced several other governance enhancements. Henceforth, all University Senate members will have three-week term limits, decisions of the Senate will be defined as “quasi-helpful suggestions subject to automatic veto,” (and staff) opinions will no longer be sought at all.
“We will end this needless bickering and bring the calm of a self-perpetuating autocracy back to the Board,” explained Prime Minister Wilkins.