Rally for Retention Memo Discovered
Undercover investigators for the Big Red Tool have intercepted a memo marked “Policy 1023.8675309: For Discussion and Deliberation Only” outlining the top ten ideas for retention initiatives at The Western™.
The eleven items in the Top Ten list include:
- Network of surveillance cameras to monitor students’ facial expressions for signs of unease, create campus-wide hellish dystopia
- Count football season ticket purchasers as degree recipients—will add 16 to The Western™’s total bachelor’s degrees awarded 2011-12
- Hire Dropback Math 99C students to calculate retention statistics. Assume zeroes will be mistakenly carried, magically retaining 5000 instead of 5 struggling students.
- Upgrade housing by razing Pearce Ford Tower; Instead house freshmen in mud and straw hovels
- Rally to retain quality linebackers with Miami-style “pay to play” scheme
- Redefine “Freshmen” to include Murray State’s incoming class
- Change benchmarks to increase excellence. New benchmarks to include McNeill, Potter Gray, Parker-Bennett-Curry, and TC Cherry
- Three words: Barbed-wire fence
- “Nailin’ Palin” screening in Gary A. Ransdell Hall counted as swipable event, added to SEAT
- Navitas, baby!
- “Retained students” to include anyone Retention Czar Kevin Thomas can see with binoculars from Cherry Hall cupola