screw you

September, 2011
Volume IV, Issue 1

Back Issues

 

 

Rally for Retention Memo Discovered

 Undercover investigators for the Big Red Tool have intercepted a memo marked “Policy 1023.8675309: For Discussion and Deliberation Only” outlining the top ten ideas for retention initiatives at The Western™.

The eleven items in the Top Ten list include:

  • Network of surveillance cameras to monitor students’ facial expressions for signs of unease, create campus-wide hellish dystopia
  • Count football season ticket purchasers as degree recipients—will add 16 to The Western™’s total bachelor’s degrees awarded 2011-12
  • Hire Dropback Math 99C students to calculate retention statistics. Assume zeroes will be mistakenly carried, magically retaining 5000 instead of 5 struggling students.
  • Upgrade housing by razing Pearce Ford Tower; Instead house freshmen in mud and straw hovels
  • Rally to retain quality linebackers with Miami-style “pay to play” scheme
  • Redefine “Freshmen” to include Murray State’s incoming class
  • Change benchmarks to increase excellence. New benchmarks to include McNeill, Potter Gray, Parker-Bennett-Curry, and TC Cherry
  • Three words: Barbed-wire fence
  • “Nailin’ Palin” screening in Gary A. Ransdell Hall counted as swipable event, added to SEAT
  • Navitas, baby!
  • “Retained students” to include anyone Retention Czar Kevin Thomas can see with binoculars from Cherry Hall cupola

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Smoke up
GAR Shows The Kids How It's Done

In This Issue:

Star Recruit Lost! . . . More >

Tyranny Thwarted!! . . . More >

Retention Rally Memo . . . More >

Journalism Scandal . . . More >

What's Allowed, What's Not . . . More >

Football Season . . . More >

News in Briefs . . . More >

 

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The Sport of Kings, the King of Sports

 

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