screw you

September, 2011
Volume IV, Issue 1

Back Issues



Scandal Rocks Journalism Department!!!

 Several students and more than half a dozen faculty members were arrested today, as the NCAA, SACS, the CPE, and the Accrediting Council on Education in Journalism and Mass Communication (ACEJMC) filed complaints related to investigation of the use of journalism-enhancing practices.

Long dormant, the investigation gained speed after the Journalism and Broadcasting Program finished third place nationally in the prestigious Hearst Journalism Awards, increasing national scrutiny. “We’ve believed for quite some time that they’ve been using ‘editorial enhancements’,” claimed the head of the ACEJMC. 

Lesyle Davis, who placed second in the “National Multimedia Championship” for her expose, “Piercing the Ivory Tower: Junior Faculty Nipple Rings at The Western™,” described to the Tool her slow descent into legitimate journalism. 

“Late one night, I was alone, whipping out a story about the Capital One Mascot Challenge and some faculty clown being dragged up Mount Everest by a Sherpa. “But then I accidentally sobered up and began drafting a story about faculty workloads,” continued Davis. “The data seemed pretty clear – faculty work about 33 hours a week, like the French, and publish a lot of weak research in which they pretend to include student-authors. In a moment of clarity, I realized that this was actually investigative journalism. I could only hope that none of my professors would find out.”

“We run a pretty clean ship at The Western™ – you know, repeating truisms from the administration, that kind of thing,” confided David. “But the peer pressure from my journalist-friends was intense. They were using, and it was the hard stuff: evidence, investigation, and multiple sources. Well, I just thought I’d try a little taste.”

“The next thing you know, I’m digging in libraries, questioning informants, smoking Chesterfields, double-checking data, buying a battered Underwood, and yelling on the phone like I’m Wurlitzer himself or something. At first I started slipping it in for a couple of blog postings. But then I found myself hitting the sources for every story -- I couldn’t stop, I had to have more and more. It all became a blur, and then suddenly there I was in Oslo accepting my prize.”

The incoming Head of Journalism, the inexplicably-named Loup Langton, vowed to put a stop to this pernicious pursuit of proof and objectivity. “I didn’t come all the way from Miami to listen to this crap about data. We’re going back to the recycled tripe that made us the number-three ranked program in the nation.”














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GAR Shows The Kids How It's Done

In This Issue:

Star Recruit Lost! . . . More >

Tyranny Thwarted!! . . . More >

Retention Rally Memo . . . More >

Journalism Scandal . . . More >

What's Allowed, What's Not . . . More >

Football Season . . . More >

News in Briefs . . . More >


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The Sport of Kings, the King of Sports


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