screw you

September, 2011
Volume IV, Issue 1

Back Issues

 

 

News in Briefs 

  • Provost Angus G. Emslie approves long-pending University Senate actions, including a 1974 resolution demanding adjunct pay adjustment to $73 per course
  • Free Pizza for all students in President Ransdell’s Office, Thursday, Sept. 15, 11am. Freshmen Required to Attend
  • Gordon Baylis sports new suit made of doubloons. “Guess how much one percent of a sh*tload of money is?” boasts VP of Research.
  • 2011 – 2012 Strategic Plan: Empty Promises to Remain Unfulfilled, Half-Promises to Remain Half-Baked
  • New Henry Hardin Cherry slogan discovered in University Archives: “Policies, More Policies”
  • Logic professor disproves own existence, vanishes into Optional Retirement
  • Provost “strongly encourages” faculty to provide students with fresh-baked oatmeal cookies, greet them with a non-harassing, European-style cheek kiss, record said activities on Digital Measures
  • SGA oversleeps and cancels first meeting. “To be honest, we’re really not sure what we’re supposed to be doing anyway,” says groggy Billy “William” Stephens.
  • Kentucky General Assembly adopts new state motto, “Kentucky: The Half-Assed State.” Celebrates by duct-taping holes in state pension system
  • In wake of lawsuit, The Western™ praises Honors College Director’s “hands on” management style, vows to mount counter-offensive against “shameless, gold-digging harridan.” Luther Hughes, Steve Boilard to testify on behalf of The Western™.
  • Gatton Academy lands 731 places higher than The Western™ in National Academic Rankings.
  • The Western™ attempts to end UK-The Western™ football game after first quarter; Taggart employs “fake heart attack” ruse.

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Smoke up
GAR Shows The Kids How It's Done

In This Issue:

Star Recruit Lost! . . . More >

Tyranny Thwarted!! . . . More >

Retention Rally Memo . . . More >

Journalism Scandal . . . More >

What's Allowed, What's Not . . . More >

Football Season . . . More >

News in Briefs . . . More >

 

Smoke up
The Sport of Kings, the King of Sports

 

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